Non Violent Communication came into my life in 2004 when a friend shared her experience with a workshop on NVC and offered me the hand book by Martial Rosenberg. When I started practicing NVC then, I made an invitation and declaration of my intention to talk NVC with all my friends. When reactions like ,"don't experiment with me! " and "talk normally!" started coming up, I stopped talking about NVC, and would silently bring NVC into written letters and sometimes during verbal communication. There was a feeling of a wait, as if the time and place weren’t ready for this experiment in communication.
Seasons changed, I shifted countries and contents of my inner self. I realized the need for a group to practice with and go deeper, also a need for more structured learning in a workshop. Then whilst living in an intentional community of Auroville, in 2007, i received an opportunity to participate in a beginner’s NVC workshop with Aniruddha. After living for a year in the community, the call of traveling and exploring other experiments with community outside India, took me away from Auroville and the NVC practice group. Years went by without any deep connections with NVC and in spite of ‘it’ being in the background , it never received my full attention, as the relationships and communications in my life and community were surviving without the help of NVC.
In Feb this year, due to a crisis like dead-lock in my close relationships, I reached out to this form of understanding others and the intentions behind their words, and took part in an intensive workshop in Pondicherry.
Some days ago when I was in Jaipur, there was an opportunity to participate in mountaineering activities of rappelling with the Commutiny group. Interactions with the mountaineering instructors, both mine and other group members, led to feelings of distrust and anger towards with the instructors and I decided to opt out of mountaineering activities. During an evening, few days later, some of my friends from this group, decided to share reflections from that day, as we sat under a neem tree, NVC came to sit under the tree with us. There I shared the reason I had declined to participate in the mountaineering had been due to a fear of my safety.
As I had actively engaged with one of the instructor's on the harmful choice of words he had used to describe the trembling sensations and shivering experienced by one group member, as he made his way up the rock surface, tied to a rope, pulling another safety rope, and basically trusting the instructor to offer an environment of trust and comfort. Instead, he received ridicule, and discouragement. As I recalled that interaction, I deciphered feelings of tightness and fear, and became aware that I had needed safety, trust and comfort for me and all members of the group. Further there was also a need to meet, introduce ourselves and understand who these instructors were and what were there reasons for engaging with the rock surfaces and why did they want to share this experience with us that day. This introduction time had not been factored into the activity time, perhaps due to the low ranks held by the instructors as compared to the Chairman of the institute who had come to give us an inaugural speech. Raghuraj, another friend shared his experience of being prevented to climb, by the same instructor, with the words, " You can't climb this rock, you don't have the ability!"
Another friend, Ravi, shared the reaction of the instructor when Ravi said he knew the method to climb the rock as he had experienced it before. The intention behind Ravi's words was a feeling of empathy for the instructors as he felt they were hard pressed for time, so he tried to cut short there repetitive instructions by volunteering information of his past experiences. As soon as the instructor heard these words, he started touching Ravi's feet in a loud gesture and addressing him as ,"Guruji". Ravi shared with the six of us, that along with a clarity of one’s own needs at the moment and moving to fulfill those, the parallel needs of these instructors could also be brought to our awareness. Ravi felt he had an understanding of the need of this instructor to be viewed as an 'expert' in what he did, and he needed 'respect' for this expertise. So instead of feeling anger and mistrust in him, as I had felt, Ravi approached this situation with NVC understanding and gave empathy to the instructor for his feelings of 'insecurity' and needing 'respect' and to be viewed as an 'expert'. When I heard this, the whole interaction with that instructor, took a different shape. I could relate to the rashness with which the instructor had handled one of the group members as they traversed up the rock surface, at one point even dangling with Rashee on the rope, and holding on to his phone and carrying a conversation with someone on the other end of that line( not the rope but the phone line). This rashness I now understood as an expression for a need for 'expertise' to be viewed as an 'expert instructor', who can do many things at the same time.
Slowly, as we sat there, under the neem, with the tree graciously offering us its yellow colored leaves, we all began to relate to the instructors needs of identity and recognition (as he talked about who could go up the rock surface and who couldn't ), expertise (handling a phone with one hand whilst holding a person half way up in a rock surface climb with the other) , connection ( we had not even been introduced to these instructors who were going to hold, for a few minutes albeit, the safety of our lives in their two hands, nor did we acknowledge their presence or expertise before beginning the activities) and lastly a need for
change in routine ( as these instructors were probably used to their jobs and handling many groups during a work week).
The feelings of anger and mistrust within me, were replaced by an overwhelming compassion, understanding, and care. These feelings were echoed by everyone in the group and we collectively gave empathy to those instructors. The importance of going behind the words to the actual intention or motivations of a person, in the NVC way, came home to us. I also felt regret at not having established a personal communication, introducing myself and getting to know their names and backgrounds before the feelings of disconnect gradually grew to discomfort and mistrust. When I think of that situation now, I feel much lighter as I have a deeper understanding of the feelings and needs of those instructors along with an acceptance and understanding of my own. By electing to not join the rope climbing and rappelling up the rock, even though, I met my needs for trust, comfort and safety, there were some needs which were left unmet, needs of connectivity with the group in a shared activity, the freshness and head-rush of a new experience, trust in others, and the feeling of confidence at overcoming a fear.
So thinking of living with Non violent communication doesn't mean that when a situation is happening, each time I will have a deep awareness and respond to all discomfort from this awareness, instead to me living with NVC is a daily practice, of reflection, on how the day passed by, what were the feelings and people I could not connect with and why and then acceptance of these feelings. It will not do to
call myself 'bad', 'ugly', 'mistrustful' or 'stupid'. Whenever a decision is taken in any particular situation, the intention behind that decision is always, an unmet need, and acknowledgement of this inner wisdom that chooses, to withdraw, or to engage, has to be honoured.
There is a daily dialogue within myself now, about the intentions behind the words, mine and the other's(yes this is also when i question the quickness to othering)
So I now realize,, even behind a speeding car blowing it’s horn to get me to cross the street quicker than my walking pace or to prompt me to stay on the same side of the road, I listen to the driver's intention.
Perhaps there was a need for time, urgency, decisiveness(on my part) and efficiency in that driver. My relationship with my self, my mother, with food and with friends, has received a deepening, with the practice of this awareness.
I invite you all on this journey, please feel welcome to write and share your own stories of nvc refections.
From a very young age, whenever I reached out to eat some food which I hadn’t been asked to eat, I was admonished as this act of eating was synonymous with stealing. Many childhood years spent carrying feelings of guilt every time I felt hungry or even worse when I ate something, the adult years brought increasing social pressure and peer regulated weight standards. Slowly, the relationship with food and self deteriorated to a point where I was no longer conscious of the real need behind my desire for noodles or momos. I reached a point of collapse where I didn’t have much trust in myself for making healthier choices or indeed for making any choices at all. It was a case of, eating whatever came in front of me. When I reached for momos, I thought I was hungry or that momos would help me feel better. Upon deeper awareness, the needs of socialization, tenderness, care, friendship, and connection with self and others, came to the surface.
