it was a differrent kind of a feeling, a renewal and light-ness, with which i saw the day of rakhee
unfold this year. it was after a pause of fifteen years that i was going to connect with my younger
brother, and tying a rakhdee, was strangely, very symbolic of this re-connection.

when he came for the rakhdee to parshada, the intentional community space that i am hosting,
he joked about teh rakhdee being organic and bio degradable. since teh rakhdee i made was out of
a seedpod from a local tree, 'papdi' , and the thread i used was also bio-degradable, i simply nodded in agreement. the symbols we create for connection, or words we use as symbolic a sense of re-assurance, of the connection we share with our loved ones, are sometimes, unnecessary. for in tying him that rakhdee, i didn't feel more connected to him, than each and every time i had cooked dosa or other healthy meals for him at the open kitchen at parshada. when on his way back from his evening walk, he would stop by, searching for healthy snacks, our 'coconut ladoos' , or the peanut chutney he absolutely loves, my connection with him would be re-affirmed, and so with this thought, i had decied to make dosa's and sambhar for rakhdee. however, in my own world, most of the time, i never communicated this to him, so when he came by on 13th morning, with stomach full, he coudl only have half a ladoo, he said.

the ladoos weren't quite stable, as they would crumblr upon any attempt made to break them in half. so when he heard me caution, him about the possibility of the ladoo 'disintegrating' if he tried
to break it in half, he let out a roar of laighter. in all seriousness he says, i have never heard that term be used to describe a ladoo's life process. 'yes,' i say, 'i am different aman.' and in my heart it resounds, that i too, can disintegrate at the sound of laughter, which i interpret to be a mockery
of my attempt to make rakhdee, dosa and sambhar and now ladoo's.

cellular memories

I would love to share my experience... of Hladina method ..Actually I have been talking about this- to all my friends -But the power of the written word !

The awareness is growing...here is a short (ahem ahem ) account of my experience with the Hladina Method.
My life was very much a blank slate... or so i thought.. as my mind had no recollection of my past..
but strangely my present was somehow a set of repeatitive experiences that I was circumnavigating through,again and again...when i read about Sonjadevi's offerring of Releasing Childhood Trauma....Something clicked... I was intrugued but skeptic...nonetheless..
When Sonjadevi explained what the process would involve... i caught myself thinking "Yeah.Right! As if I can be hypnotised into letting go, as if i have anything to let go. "

To understand my skepticism- we have to go back..My dad always instilled in me the scientific frame of mind,cautioning me of the absurdity of the innumerable superstitions that encompass the indian culture and religions.It is a way of life in India to believe everything and anything;he had warned , so I was skeptic of this therapy as you might suspect.
When I talked to Sonjadevi, she encouraged me to experience the session- as I lay down,
and Sonjadevi talked me though the layers of the heart ... my mind had such a powerful release of memories-memories i never knew existed..

My dad leaving the house after any and every heated argument - disowning the family -mother, wife and children.. as I lay there on the bed and connected within myself -
I saw the child I was then, sitting outside on the first floor balcony ,and looking out to the road,watching Dad drive off on his Vespa, willing him to look back , but he didn't !

This was the first time in all my adult life - as far as i could remember ,that - my mind had this sad but enlightening flashback. I couln't beleive the connectivity of the Hladina Method -
I had uncovered the bone of contention ,within my present relationship,then.
As a kid, I had absorbed these childhood experiences and in my adult life- all friendships and relationships were troubleshooted through this tool that I had picked up as a kid.
I would threaten to leave or actually leave ,everytime the boat rocked!
My life then , had become a series of such patterns, I never had the slightest idea that the present was all but a reflection of the past experiences..
After this session, I never repeated this pattern,as much as I was tempted to out of pure habit- i had an insight into the past connections and reflections of my spirit- I understood that my body and mind was kicking into default reactions- the reactions i had picked up as a kid - as son as it gets slightly difficult to handle- just leave teh situation - leave the relationship or friendship behind- just walk away- Needless to say , this changed my life, my life was so much clearer and easier to comprehend and live through day to day difficult moments...


The second session I had with Sonjadevi, was an even more profound one, in its impact.
For years, I had consulted every Medical expert in the field of Urology, I had gone from Allopathy - to homeopathy - to acupuncture to aromatherapy - basically every Xray and ultrasound revealed nothing amiss.
Noone seemed to have a cure to my chronic bladder pain and my inability to pass urine comfortably.I was eventually advised by the Urologist expert in this field that i should look into meditation and that it was my only hope.
During the session led by Sonjadevi, I had another life changing flashback.I saw the little kid that i was ,hiding behind the sofa all day for fear of a beating from Dad. Somehow, the slightest reasons were enough to incite him to beat us black and blue.Such was his terror ,that when I did something that I though t would perturb him, I would hide from him behind the sofa or undr teh bed,and never come out till evening or until he stopped looking for me-
In the process, I would not even go to teh bathroom,for fear of being spotted,and hold in my urine all day whilst safe in the hiding place- when he would give up looking for me at the end of the day , I would finally relent and visit the bathroom.

In school and at other social occasions my friends often teased me,at the enormity of my bladder.
I prided myself in the same as an adult.Such was my unease that it was bordering on a phobia- that I could not bring myself to use the public bathrooms.My life was very difficult as the pain and inability to pass urine was so random that I could not ever be sure as to when it would strike next.
But after the insight gained from Sonjadevi's Hladina method sessions, I understood my body's default reaction in a stressful time was that my mind triggerred a memory from past repeating my body's shutdown process - as if i was once again hiding from him and needed to hold in my nature calls. After this lifechanging experience , I never faced another painfull trip to the toilet or any other chronic pain related to my bladder - such was the power of the session - that all chronic pain evaporated overnight after the Hladina session.

My life has been transformed for the better , i cannot thank Sonjadevi enough for her work in this field. Please continue this therapy and enlighten other lives that need your work to make a difference in their lives.I will always be gratefull for your guidance and warm help.

Why I didn’t do Grad.Parties ?

At work today my collegue showed me an advert announcing an “all women Graduation Party”.
It went on to say “Is there something you would have liked to celebrate as a personal achievement,
But were never able to for some reason or another?This does not have to be an educational achievement.
If so come along and have some fun.”

It got me thinking on the need to commemorate the milestones in our lives if only to comprehend the
Place in the map where we have now arrived.And if you don’t know where you have been or which milestone you are at,how is one meant to traverse ahead? Then why didn’t I aim for the sense of closure by attending my undergraduate or postgrad. Ceremonies.

I think the answer lies in the lack of a sense of achievement and self doubt.
During my school years,I felt I had been a good student and whilst average,I never considered
myself lacklustre. Things changed when I started high school though and my family wanted me to
choose Medicine as my career inorder to redeem myself as any self respecting Indian girl would !
Firstly,girls are not encouraged to go further in their studies as ultimately they are expected to pick up
the baton of household chores from their mothers.Secondly,any career part from medicine and engineering
is looked upon with contempt,as artists are deemed broke and basically any self respecting Punjabi family would
never accept a girl’s hand in marriage who writes “artist” in front of Job ,on Marriage CV’s.

So inspite of a total lack of interest in Medicine,it was chosen as my career for me in high school.
After an entire semester of being caught dozing during lectures & ultimately receiving a fail in physics and chemistry,my grandad was summoned by my School Careers’ advisor.”I am not going anywhere,if anyone needs to meet me ,they can come and see me at home.I begged and cajoled him into the meeting.For my grandfather’s
Generation it was the man’s pererogative when and where he negotiates with the woman,and the role reversal in this situation understandably upset his conditioned self.

The ultimatum I received was either you choose economics else don’t bother with the studies at all.
I felt another redemption twang and succumed without a fair fight.In retrospect I often visualise “what if I had stood up for what I believed in and fought for my freedom to choose ARTS as a career then?”
That one decision would have steered my life in a whole different course.Perhaps my discontent with
my grades during graduation and later postgrad. Oscillates from that one pivotal fight I never fought!

During undergard,the tensions between my brother (who sufferred from manic depression) escalated
to the point that during my second year finals,he switched off the electricity from the mains.In response
inspite of having prepared my subject for a few weeks,I left the examination hall within the first 20 minutes
without having written a single word.My reasoning then was,”this will show him not to mess with me!”
The result of this self sulk was a year of penance in the form of reappearing for the second year exams the following year.So when the graduation happened,all my batchmates had already passed out the year before.

So in direct action replay of that exam walk out,I bunked the grad.party too.
Few years later when it came to the postgrad party,I felt I had majorly underachieved my potential,
so out of shame and guilt ,I bunked the postgrad party.Shame at the lack of commitment I displayed
towards my chosen dissertation topic which I eventually quit and copied of a friends dissertation
and passed it off as my own.Guilt at coming on a less than perfect score on the assessment.

life lived

the yin and yan balance



distorted proportions- mainstream maps always tend to show the western continents as larger in size so as to barter as psychological advantage over any person from the developing world who happened to look at the world map.
For instance: in traditional western cartography ,Greenland is the same size as Africa,while
Greenland = 0.8 mill.sq.miles
Africa = 11.6 million square miles
Arnos Peters ;a german historian cartographer introduced this map with relative corrected proportions of countries.


Lie Pie chart ,an exercise from Julia Cameron's book the Artists's Way.





The writing on the wall

generation gap

there is such a big divide here ,inspite of living under the same roof,I feel suffocated by the manipulating nature expressed by my mother among others in my family.In every second breath they have tactics for me to loose weight (because i am too fat now to be chosen as bride by a self respecting family) or skillfully trying to begin the wedding chorus with shopping.
I can't recognise familiar faces,my mother has changed so much over these last few years.She is running around the house as if there is a stop watch and she has to run all her errands before the 11th hour.It is frightheningly disturbing,this lack of any calm energy around her.

Since,initially this had been a surprise visit back from london to my motherland,I reasoned it would take a few days for her and i to settle into coexistance.It has now been 4 days ,maybe it is early days yet.Still,I presumed I would be able to convince my family of my social work inclinations.
Retrospectively,how naive i was! There is only thing on her agenda and that is my arranged marriage. She is full of resentment towards me if I refuse to tow the line.My other two aunts are singing similar melancholy.The question on everyone's lips is,"what next?". I realised shortly after my arrival here,that here there isn't ant space for nothingness,and self-enquiry and a wholistic world view.

The whole family barring my 85 year old grandpa shouts at the loudest decibel in their collective capacity.It might appear that they are trying to shout their voices across the landscape to each other in the various rooms of the house.Whilst i'm seated right next to her on the sofa and my mum is standing beside,she talks as if she is trying to make herself audible across the din of a fish monger's market.Or is it then a case of the din existing within her mind,too many thoughts furiously creating noise which she then perceives as in need of drowning out by the resultant loud conversations.The only time they are soft spoken is when they are gossiping or yet another scheme hatching for how to tie me in a knot and come to an arrangement thus.

I am so confused,why did i come back? for social reform , i thought,but if i don't make a decision quick enough ,i might need
a rehabilitation clinic.why is everyone out to get each other? people are banging vehicles into each other,out of spite and a sense of justice.At a traffic light signal,i watched spellbound as a car with two men bumped their way out of a man on a scooter.They basically pushed him out of the way and when he looked back and complained as they were making their getaway they both lashed out on the scooterist.So the men in the car deemed they had a right of way owing to the bigger vehicle they were driving,so money begets power and moral high ground in this society.My friend Rupeela was explaing the four yugs(era's) to me yesterday.

First came the Satya-yuga, known as the Golden Age,the time when all spoke their truth.
When the trouble started with greed and corruption,it was Treta-yuga,followed by further loss of truth speaking in Dvapara-yuga.The last of all came viciousness in the form of the Kali Yuga.Guru granth sahib has great verses describing this yug.

The same moon rises, and the same stars; the same sun shines in the sky. The earth is the same, and the same wind blows. The age in which we dwell affects living beings, but not these places. ||1||
When it becomes common for tyrants to be accepted and approved, then Kalyug is here thus:

Those who act like tyrants are accepted and approved - recognize that this is the sign of the Dark Age of Kali Yuga.
If someone practices Truth, he is frustrated; prosperity does not come to the home of the sincere. If someone chants the Lord’s Name, he is scorned. These are the signs of Kali Yuga. ||3||
Whoever is in charge, is humiliated. Why should the servant be afraid, when the master is put in chains? He dies at the hands of his servant. ||4||
The trouble-maker is called a leader, and the liar is seated with honor. O Nanak, the Gurmukhs know that this is justice in the Dark Age of Kali Yuga. ||1||

The Dark Age of Kali Yuga is the knife, and the kings are butchers; righteousness has sprouted wings and flown away. In this dark night of falsehood, the moon of Truth is not visible anywhere. I have searched in vain, and I am so confused; in this darkness, I cannot find the path. In egotism, they cry out in pain. Says Nanak, how will they be saved? ||1||

I think the prognosis seems to be kali kali.

affirmations

whilst spending time with the community at Schumacher, i reflected on a need to allow some affirmations in my life about the fears i have overcome in the last few years.
Hair- yes , i can leave my hair open
music- yes, i can listen to music, i can sing with the music , whenever i want ,wherever i want
cinema- yes, i can watch movies,
sports - yes, i can play basketball,tennis, swim
make up - yes, i can play with make up
presents - yes, joy of giving is equal to joy of receving!

who would you be?

if you were a flower
lotus,so beautiful yet its roots arise from filth and dirty water,having teh ability to survive against all odds,yet when it blooms ,leaves all spellbound

if you were a tree
banyan,giving shade under its wings to whoever comes without question or criticism,yet it sprouts offshoots around itself for support during later years.so even when the main trunk as rotted away these offshoots act as the main body and replicate the nature of the trunk in its absence,so the work carries on,nonstop.it's thickness,greenery and bounty survive through this off-shoot support network it had grown around itself in the preceding years.

if you were a colour
red,it's significance,similar to blood,yet when a situation lacks depth and meaning,its addition can give a burst of energy.it's difficult to adulterate it as everything will simply blend in,which white cannot allow for.Also,if in a low mood,bringing red in the situation brightens up the environs.


if you were a creature
horse,strength,agility,loyalty yet senstivity.Muscular and tenous,wild.Surviving long distances and an extremely beautiful creature.

if you were an insect
beetle,colours on the surface,red and black,are very attractive to me,sometimes i wear clothes akin to the beetle's surface colours.Petite and unassuming until the moment of reckoning when out come the wings and they show all around them,that they can fly.

if you were a landscape
woodlands,with a shallow yet wide stream flowing through the middle.Serenity inspiring woods and calm inducing water.Gentle and shallow depth inspiring safety,yet flowing water reflecting the quality in life which is forever flowing.
Unlike the river which is fast and furious as if in full throttle.

if you were a fairy tale character
cinderella,inspite of all odds,she survives for a happily every after.She adjusts to the cruelty of her stepsisters and her stepmother,and goodness prevails as her fairy god mother looks after her.I always fantasise about turning into a pumpkin when i am out till midnight..as it someone is watching over me..like a fairy godmother.

if you were a sound-
the sound of water trickling out of bamboo woods..soothing and calming to all who hear,yet the journey made by water to get to the mouth of this bamboo through all the woodland,only water knows.the journey must have been full of challenges but the water only wants the pleasant sounds made audible to all ears upon the culmination of her journey and none of the preceding difficult stretches of landscape.

if you were a fish -
a horsefish,they are different and appear lonely...most of the time..yet their difference means they are never eaten or fished out so they escape the threat of extinction with overfishing,Something i have always related with,different;from the crowd,at school and college..yet i survive..

if you were a fruit
mango,juicy and sweet,yet inorder to eat and experience the fruit that mango is,one has to get their hands,mouth and clothes stained with a distinct yellow colour if this rich fruit.People who are careful with mannerisms and use spoon and knives to cut,peel and scoop the pulp out,never really experience the mango in all its strength and vitality.

if you were a vegetable
green pepper,because i love it and you can cook it whole or fragmented,using bare hands to tear it apart hence making the use of knives or any other metal irrelevant.It can be eaten raw or cooked..the possibilities are immense..i want to be like that and i think i am on my way.

if you were a star
i don't know many stars in the hemisphere.Limited astronomical knowledge has left me only bigger stars like sun in this scope..sun lights up its environs ..with its energy .This is my aspiration ,giving encouragement and light and hope to all around me.

if you were a musical instrument
sitar,most ancient of indian folk music,yet most melodious.It requires great care and attention towards its maintenance owing to its bulky size,yet it rewards its caretaker with soothing music when played.So in conclusion ,size is perhaps irrelevant.
I am attracted to the sitar due to its traditional roots in the past yet taking great strides when aligned with modern music fusing the melody of yesterday into the promise of tommorow.


if you were a season
monsoon,rain rain,all over ,washing away old sins and making way for new growth,new seeds;trees and fruits.Monsoon brings much needed respite from the sultry summer crossing 46 degrees celsius.It is the break that everyone needs and even though it inconveniences a lot of people with the roads being flooded over rendering pedestrians,cyclists and motorists immobile,it bears fruit in its wake.As a season ,i relate most to this season of growth,new beginnings,washing away old,painful memories.

if you were a spice
cardamom,it is a sweet spice ,yet it can be mixed with a spicy mixture as well.It is the most essential ingredient in Indian chai.and yes it brings such aroma to the senses when taken in the mouth.The natural package it comes in is so unassuming,yet when the pod is opened..its richness leaves one spellbound.

if you were a herb
lavender,possibilities are immense.So many cures,derivatives,yet the knowhow of the same in the mainstream sector is vert limited.the coulour of lavender and its healing properties are very attractive for me.

if you were a metal
steel,from which all the household utenceils in india are made.Its utility is high and this helps me fulfil my mission to help as many people as i could

if you were an element
oxygen,without which life would not be meaningful or possible.

if you were a goddess
love goddess,i don't know the name of any greek or indian goddess,but that is what quality i would like to be vested with,if ever there was a choice.Love permeates all boundaries,and i would like to orchestrate the same across all traditions,cultures,and geographical boudaries.

if you were a painting
a painting of sensual,semi clad unclad woman,showing her curves in their fullness and all the truth,without ant shrouds of clothes or make-up that society imposes upon each of us in our daily lives.

if you were a gem
emerald,green in the the gem resembles closely to the green in nature and wilderness.i love the colour it brings out in people when worn almost witness to the ancient ones who used leaves for the first kind of weather protection.

if you were a piece of furniture
a love chair,or a large comfortable sofa,which allows one to just sink in.Without any qualms about appearances or society,almost larger than life,all accepting.It's colour should be crystal white,not white colour which gets easily muddied,but crystal white allows for all the mud and dirt that soles of shoes might bring,the white self cleanses,and so the sofa remains white and self rejuvenating.

if you were a planet
earth,all encompassing ,yet full of fragility,self rejuvenating ,yet when disrespected,easily tarnished and scarred

if you were a sea species
sea weed,easily slide along,changing their shape as per the current yet retaining their original character and taste and smell through all currents and undercurrents.green in colour and the essential food for the survival of most marine life.

if you were a material
sand,held loosely,one can hold onto a large amount,but with an aim to possess it as the fist closes so the sand slips through the fingers.It can be the building block of so many more things yet each sand molecule is loose and alone in its nature..it can collaborate and come together to unify and build endless bridges.

if you were a movement
wind blowing through trees,soothing yet powerful and knowing its ultimate direction and purpose