there is such a big divide here ,inspite of living under the same roof,I feel suffocated by the manipulating nature expressed by my mother among others in my family.In every second breath they have tactics for me to loose weight (because i am too fat now to be chosen as bride by a self respecting family) or skillfully trying to begin the wedding chorus with shopping.
I can't recognise familiar faces,my mother has changed so much over these last few years.She is running around the house as if there is a stop watch and she has to run all her errands before the 11th hour.It is frightheningly disturbing,this lack of any calm energy around her.
Since,initially this had been a surprise visit back from london to my motherland,I reasoned it would take a few days for her and i to settle into coexistance.It has now been 4 days ,maybe it is early days yet.Still,I presumed I would be able to convince my family of my social work inclinations.
Retrospectively,how naive i was! There is only thing on her agenda and that is my arranged marriage. She is full of resentment towards me if I refuse to tow the line.My other two aunts are singing similar melancholy.The question on everyone's lips is,"what next?". I realised shortly after my arrival here,that here there isn't ant space for nothingness,and self-enquiry and a wholistic world view.
The whole family barring my 85 year old grandpa shouts at the loudest decibel in their collective capacity.It might appear that they are trying to shout their voices across the landscape to each other in the various rooms of the house.Whilst i'm seated right next to her on the sofa and my mum is standing beside,she talks as if she is trying to make herself audible across the din of a fish monger's market.Or is it then a case of the din existing within her mind,too many thoughts furiously creating noise which she then perceives as in need of drowning out by the resultant loud conversations.The only time they are soft spoken is when they are gossiping or yet another scheme hatching for how to tie me in a knot and come to an arrangement thus.
I am so confused,why did i come back? for social reform , i thought,but if i don't make a decision quick enough ,i might need
a rehabilitation clinic.why is everyone out to get each other? people are banging vehicles into each other,out of spite and a sense of justice.At a traffic light signal,i watched spellbound as a car with two men bumped their way out of a man on a scooter.They basically pushed him out of the way and when he looked back and complained as they were making their getaway they both lashed out on the scooterist.So the men in the car deemed they had a right of way owing to the bigger vehicle they were driving,so money begets power and moral high ground in this society.My friend Rupeela was explaing the four yugs(era's) to me yesterday.
First came the Satya-yuga, known as the Golden Age,the time when all spoke their truth.
When the trouble started with greed and corruption,it was Treta-yuga,followed by further loss of truth speaking in Dvapara-yuga.The last of all came viciousness in the form of the Kali Yuga.Guru granth sahib has great verses describing this yug.
The same moon rises, and the same stars; the same sun shines in the sky. The earth is the same, and the same wind blows. The age in which we dwell affects living beings, but not these places. ||1||
When it becomes common for tyrants to be accepted and approved, then Kalyug is here thus:
Those who act like tyrants are accepted and approved - recognize that this is the sign of the Dark Age of Kali Yuga.
If someone practices Truth, he is frustrated; prosperity does not come to the home of the sincere. If someone chants the Lord’s Name, he is scorned. These are the signs of Kali Yuga. ||3||
Whoever is in charge, is humiliated. Why should the servant be afraid, when the master is put in chains? He dies at the hands of his servant. ||4||
The trouble-maker is called a leader, and the liar is seated with honor. O Nanak, the Gurmukhs know that this is justice in the Dark Age of Kali Yuga. ||1||
The Dark Age of Kali Yuga is the knife, and the kings are butchers; righteousness has sprouted wings and flown away. In this dark night of falsehood, the moon of Truth is not visible anywhere. I have searched in vain, and I am so confused; in this darkness, I cannot find the path. In egotism, they cry out in pain. Says Nanak, how will they be saved? ||1||
I think the prognosis seems to be kali kali.
